So here i am sitting at my desk trying to think about ideas for my set, and out of the blue i got images of my near drowning experience when i was 10... hmmm i bet you NONE of you knew that about me?

Why? Maybe becuase no one has ever bothered to ask me about my childhood.

ASK!

Maybe you'll understand me more.

I have absolutely NO desire to work on my model... i need creative energy!

You're Brigitte Bardot!


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I have had the WEIRDEST dreams in this past week. I believe that dreams do that. They "tell" you something. Maybe its a sign of creativity or maybe i do know what they are telling me and i refuse to allow myslef to believe its reality?

Dream #1: The night after i wrote that REALLY long post i dreamt that i was about to confront a person who was upsetting me. She had no face, or she did but i really couldnt tell who it was. I had 7 diffferent enounters with her. And everytime i could'nt get myself to tell her how much she has hurt me.

analysis: I think that my opening up in that journal might have triggered other thoughts and possible people who have hurt me in the past years. (but lets not get into that ... or i'll cry again.) And i think the confrontations might have been triggered by reading a play called "Hamletmachine" in which, Hamlet and Ophelia have 5 different confrontations and nothing gets resolved.

Dream #2: i dont remember all the details, but prety much i dreamt that i had sex with a girl.

Analysis: I have NO idea. I think that i might of had this dream after i had sex with sam. And the fact that possibly the emotions of that moment with him were transferrred to this faceless female. And possibly that I have been so disillusioned with the male gender that the thought of a female could be a better option. Maybe i'm secretly a lesbian? who knows?

Dream #3: This was last night and what made me write this entry. I don't remember all the details but i think my dream started at work. I was a guest at Sea World and i was like "whatever" and then i saw my old supervisor, and apparently she had been moved back to our area and she was there doing her job. In my dream the shop had gotten new merchandise and she was looking at it. And told me about these new crystal shipmenats we got in. ANd hoe they dang to you when you lifted the piece. There was this beautiful fairie crystal thingy. i wanted to steal it SOOOO Bad. But i didnt. Somehow magically i went from Sea World to this canyon like thing. ANd i was hiking to get somewhere. Where? apparently in search for a guy. This guy shall remain nameless becuase i dont to feed his ego (if he is reading this). Now i had knowlege that he is seeing someone buti still wanted to see him. So i did. Prety much we ended having hot passionate sex. I was a happy person, but then i knew that what i had doenw as wrong. And then i woke up.

Analysis: I do know and dont. The work thing was weird to be honest except for the fact that i'm still bitter about the promotion. And the guy thing, WELL... ummmm i dont want to get into it, but it is maybe that i miss this guy and what we had before things fizzled out. And also i talked to him last night and it just triggered everything about him that i had forgotten.


so yeah.. my dreams... WEIRD shit.

Interesting:

pernicious \pur-NISH-us\, adjective:
   Highly injurious; deadly; destructive; exceedingly harmful.

Disclaimer: Dont take this personal. i am having a bad night. I needed to vent. You know what im talking about? When all THOSE thoughts are in your head when you have time to think? AND you slightly overanalyze everything? Yeah thats what this post is.


To be Happy or Not.... THAT my friend is the question...
So... i dont get it. Who ever said that "College are the best years of your life?" Becuase umm they must of gone to a good college... UCSD is DEFINATLY not the time of your life. I so agree with my May May. Ever since i have started school here at this "Fine" Insttitue i have been nothing but depreessed. I lost my virginity, i gained 30 lbs, and i have gaiend and lost many aquaintences (and sometimes regained them), and gotten drunk many times.
So i thought maybe that my first quarter here was a sign but NOOOOO... i continued. I changed majors, and YES theatre did make me happy... to a certain degree. I became depressed. i dated, and dated, and dated, and NOTHING! Nothing made me fucking happy. Then i met Sam. I thought that for sure he would make thinsg better. I fell in love with a wonderful man. ANd yet, i continued to be depressed (gained more weight). So i broke up with him becuase i thought he was holding me down.
I joined a sorority. In hope as a last resort that things would brighten up. It worked for a couple of weeks. I was a happy camper. But shit hit the fan too soon. And then i got PARANOID and thought that the world was agaisnt me and HATED me. Now what the fuck could of given me that idea? Who knows.
I disappaered from my sisters. For a LONG time, becuase i thought they hated me, i secluded myself from work becuase i did find out that some did dislike me. I even secluded and mistreated the ONE person who cares so deeply about me. (i'm so sorry sam) AND for what?
Yeah thats what i thought.
I was becoming this monster, and no one knew it, nor did i. Nobody seemed to care enough to know how i was doing or how i TRUELY felt about things. Only one person tried, and yet i couldnt open up to my May. She knew something was up, but how can she help when i couldnt figure out my shit?
The stress, the fucking stress. It doesn't help me or no one at that.
I like to hide alot of my feelings. i know how i am and its a moneter waiting to become unleashed... some one stop it before its too late...
Things were suddenly becoming brighter, but of course its my luck that somethng goes wrong.
I fucking HATE selfish people! They piss me off!
HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!
Its funny how people think im full of shit. That whatever comes out of my mouth its BS.
WHY?
I want to know. i really do, when was there a rule established that i cant have a sucky life?
It CANT always be perfect. i too have issues. SORRY that my parents arent divorced, SORRY that im getting an education, SORRY that no one has died in my immediate family, SORRY i have not been raped/molested, SORRY that no one dear to me is an alcoholic or druggie, SORRY that the "system" didnt raise me.... geezes!
My issues may not be as bad ... but they are there. Maybe they are bad and i just dont share. Why?
NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE. whenever i try to REALLY open up i get shut down...
so what's the point of having a friend, if it only seems like a one sided relationship?
Yeah... UCSD depresses me.